So I have been looking through my blog and ironically the few entries I have looked at are pretty horrible. Well I guess the first one I looked at was pretty bad because it was about KR telling me that I was just using people and the friend that was usuallly there for me not caring and basically me being incredibly suicidal but not knowing how to kill myself. It was basically be despeartely wanting to die and wanting to try to get a gun and shoot myself and not really caring about much of anything. Interestingly enough reading that doesn't really bother me anymore. Before I couldn't read this blog. I would write in it everyday but I couldn't actually read any of it because it would upset me. Now it doesn't matter. I have decided that I am going to try to write more though. The current shrink I am seeing kinda messed me up and is making it really hard to separate my outside world verses my inner world and it is really causing me stress. Basically she was the first shrink to actually reach me, especially since I am pretty sure I have been declared unreachable countless times. The weird thing was that she reached me and I felt the need to be honest with her and she became a part of my world but she couldn't be a part of my world through text like most people are. Generally the only way that I can actually be honest about what I am feeling is through text. She doesn't like that though. She hates doing email and stuff which is really a pain. Anyways, she is now leaving and that is hitting me really hard. She can't understand how much it is messing with me because I let her be a part of my world. She was saying that she felt that I thought that I depended on her more than was true because I don't follow her advice half of the time and she won't talk on email and in most sessions I feel worse at the end than when we start but I feel like she can't understand how it is messing me up so much emotionally. She became a part of my world. I was stupid enough to let her in. I care about her. Like I care about a lot of people but there is a difference. She is part of my internal world. When I think about hurting her I can phsycially feel it. It feels like my heart drops. Like that isn't something that I usually feel. I felt it the first time I went on like some huge rollercoasters etc but I generally don't physically feel emotions. I guess I feel anxiety by tense muscles and depression by not wanting to move but those are different. Anyways, the fact that it internally hurts me is making it really hard. Like I cried almost every night the past week because I kept thinking about her and the fact that she was leaving. She has a rule that I am not allowed choke myself if I am going ot continue with her in outpatient therapy. It was a rule that was made after I almost killed myself by pushing choking too far. Actually I don't know if I even came all that close to killing myself because I have thought I have been close before and turned out I was wrong. Either way, it was dangerous and I admitted that it was dangerous and she freaked out. Technically our rule is that I am not allowed to push choking to the point of making myself pass out but choking myself without pushing it kinda looses most of the point. I don't know why I got off on that tangent. Anyways, I feel like when she leaves that rule no longer stands and I just want to die. The thing that is relaly hard on me is that I know that it would really hurt her if I were to die. Like I know that I would hurt a lot of people and that is basically the reason that I am not dead yet, but she matters in my internal world. Everytime I think about it I desperately want to make her stop caring. I want her to just let me die. I want her to just move on. I don't want her to konw. I have asked her about it and she says that she is pretty sure she would find out if I killed myself. I am not sure that she would and she says that she wouldn't but she seems to believe that she would find oiut and I believe it is possible. I don't want that to happen. I don't understand why she can't just let me go. She is never going to see me again. Why should I matter. Anyways, that is basically destorying me but the last time I went to session I couldn't really express it. Now I don't have session until Thursday which is driving me nuts. I want to tell her how much she means but then I don't. I feel like she doesn't understand it and in a way I want her to understand and want her ot know how hard it is for me but I guess I don't know what the purpose of that would be. Yet at the same time I know I would hate myself if I never told her. Idk. Anyways, I guess the reason that I am writing this is that I am going to try to write more instead of trying to talk to her. That is what she wants me to do anyways. I feel like letting her get into my inner world when she is part of my outside world is really screwing me up. Like it kinda brings my two world together in a sesnse and that seems to make it harder to deal with life. I feel like I have a constant level of anxiety. I feel like I can't escape feeling all of the bad stuff all the time. I have decided that it would be easier to return to two separate parts of myself. I will be the person I am supposed to be on the outisde. I will be happy and successful and all of the crap that I am supposed to do. I can't let all of the things that I really feel mess up my life. I am going to try to let all of the messed up things about me only exist in text. I need to separate myself better and hopefully returning to blogging will help with that.

There are no comments to this entry.